


how much i wanted (you home)

by jamestkirk



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Drabble, M/M, Spoilers, au where the Thing never happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 10:22:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5623756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamestkirk/pseuds/jamestkirk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Between them sits a whole world of unsaid thoughts: <i>I wish, you should’ve, I’m sorry, I missed you.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	how much i wanted (you home)

**Author's Note:**

> for a tumblr prompt. title is from open arms by journey

There’d never been a shortage of words between them. With thoughts that refused to stay still, Luke had always done enough talking for both of them even when Han had nothing to say. His mouth’d always seemed to be running, about this or that, words blurring together. That’s not to say Han hadn’t appreciated it, filling the cracks where doubts and fears were growing. A glance shared between himself and Leia, light, fond smiles traded. There’d be moments where he might stop himself, realize he’d been talking too much, and visibly shut himself away. But never for long.

Never like this.

Between them sits a whole world of unsaid thoughts: _I wish_ , _you should’ve_ , _I’m sorry_ , _I missed you._ After what feels like a lifetime of silence, the gap yawns wider, cutting jaggedly into what might’ve been hope before.

Luke’s fingers are still against the bed, unnerving Han with their lack of movement. There’d hardly been a moment without it, before. _Ha. Before_. A stupid, unattainable thing that’s long gone. Blue eyes are unfocused, head bowed slightly. The way his feet still hang over the edge would’ve been endearing, if there were any room for that kind of sentiment.

Gods know how long Han’s been standing there, leaned against the doorway. Waiting for one of them to speak. Break the tentative truce that’s been in place since Luke came back. The thought jars him, just a little. It’s not something he’d considered for a while, that he might actually come home.

The silence grates like sandpaper, but Han can be patient. Maybe not when he was younger, but there’s been a lot to be patient for since then. One of them sitting not ten feet away. After so long, the only thing he can do is shift into a more comfortable position, folding his arms over his chest.

It seems, however, that things really don’t change all that much. You’re still you, still the person you always were. And Luke’s always hated air filled with only silence. Han can see it, can see the moment he decides in the small frown that pulls at his lips, gaze focusing. The subtle shifting of his body before finally looking up.

“What do you want me to say?”  


It’s not the first time he’s heard his voice since he left, but it still makes something clench uncomfortably in his chest, arms uncrossing and brows lifting slightly.

“Never said you had to say anything at all.” They both know what he’s waiting for.  


Luke lets out a breath that dares to sound even slightly annoyed. “You know you’re not helping.”

“Oh, sorry. Thought I’d done enough. But please, if there’s _anything_ else I can do for-”  


“Don’t,” Luke cuts him off, voice finally rising above the softer tone it’s taken on in isolation. “Don’t do that. After all this, that’s not what you want to say.”  


“And how would _you_ know what I want to say?”  


Luke only gives him a look, begging him not to play dumb. “I know you, Han.”

“Do you?”  


Something in him seems to wither at that, gaze drawn back down to the floor. “…I don’t know.”

The first thing he feels is satisfaction. _Good_. After everything, he shouldn’t be so sure about that. The feeling’s fleeting though, guilt seamlessly taking its place. _Dammit, kid_. One glance at the way he looks like a pathetic puppy and he’s crossing the room to stand in front of him, blue eyes snapping to meet his own. Caution covering up a cleverly hidden hope. Too bad Han knows him better than that.

With the smallest sigh, Han moves to sit by him, too old to crouch like he might’ve had Luke come home a few years earlier. Luke’s eyes follow him. “We’ll figure all this shit out. A little too old for fresh starts, but the middle’s just fine by me.”

Almost imperceptibly, Luke’s started to lean towards him. Maybe Han doesn’t even notice as he wraps an arm around his shoulders, pulling him against his side. A shuddering breath leaves Luke, noticeably stiffer than the last time they’d been this close. And yet, his head drops to rest against Han’s shoulder, fitting against him like it hadn’t been over a decade. 

The silence falls again, not as uncomfortable as before, only their breathing interrupting the stillness. When it’s broken again, Luke turns his face slightly as if he can hide the sentimentality of them against Han’s skin. “I missed you.” It’s a whisper and Han feels more than sees his eyes slipping shut.

There’s a lot of things he could say. Luke knows all of them, and that he’d mean them. Instead, he turns to press a light kiss against now gray hair. “Really? Thought you’d gotten sick of me.”

A small smile curves against his skin, lips following a moment later, the words slightly more sober when spoken. “ _Never_.”

**Author's Note:**

> honestly one of my favorite scenes in the ot was when han got mad at leia and like two seconds later apologized with his tail tucked between his legs. because i feel like he talks a big game but at the end of the day can't really stand seeing the people he cares about upset. i figured that probably applied even after years of total radio silence.


End file.
